Dreams;
Some you want to wake up from
Some you never want to wake up from
And then there are some which make you question,
“Was it all a dream?”
– ʞɐ
It was like any other day. I woke up and the first thing I saw was the time. I had a meeting in the morning at about 10 o’clock. I still had 2 more hours and if it were any other day, I would have went back to sleeping but of course readjusting the alarm. But not that day, I woke up and went straight to get my phone to check for notifications. And it won’t be a surprise if I had to say that I don’t get notifications. And well that was indeed the case. I was disappointed just the day before that, and the day before that as well. And not to alarm anyone, but it continued the following day as well. I had been contemplating how did I come to this situation in the first place. And I kept getting more questions than answers. Well, talking to self does that, don’t you think? I apologized not knowing for what, but it felt like it was somehow my own doing, like all the crumbled pages/dreams that lie in the corner of the room. It has to be me but the only problem being I didn’t know what was that I did which was so wrong. I should have brushed it off, like those million other things that I have been successfully doing for a while now, but then again more often than not incomplete sentences haunt more than the complete one. Unfortunately, I don’t even know if I was even left on read.
I should have anticipated this, but the problem is I wasn’t the one who went looking for it. It was the other way around which is why I had been having a hard time filling in the blanks.Lately, I have had a few too many surreal dreams and the dreams seemed so real that I was made to believe that this was really happening. But at the same time, I felt out of place because of the things that I did which I normally wouldn’t do. I can’t trust myself with a recent incident anymore when the other day I accidentally subscribed to a new streaming channel all the while sleeping. I came to know about this great deed of mine the following day when there was a credit card charge for the new channel. But then again, this could not have been a dream. For one, I had pinched myself a way too may times, and unless I was pinching myself in sleep as well, I don’t think this would fall under that category. You will not know the value of a good thing, until it is lost. I know this very well, so whenever something good does come along, I look around a multiple times, and a little more just to see if and when the other shoe would fall, if there’s baggage, terms and conditions attached. And there always is, no matter what. Sometimes, they are even bigger than the actual thing.
I don’t seem to have the right words to express what I had been feeling. Should I tell myself that it was inevitable from the beginning, maybe perhaps it was my own doing or perhaps it was my not doing. Did I not see this coming from a million miles away (faster than the speed of light) and yet I was sort of skeptical about it. I knew this from the very beginning that there is a big bold asterisk in red with sirens over it. But I had hoped that God, I mean nature, I mean whoever / whatever was trying to be kind to me this one time. I know that I should not be given the benefit of the doubt, but then again it could have been a mistake. I was just hoping this to be a one off, a one good / happy mistake , that could perhaps be the beginning of a something completely new altogether. Perhaps, it was the first step in the direction of the new change. I know this was very far fetched, and too good to be true.
I kept my one eye open all the time. I tried to do everything in my power to make it stay that way. I don’t know what else I should have done that I didn’t, but as far as I know, I obliged, I lost, I compromised, I even did everything I wouldn’t normally do. You need to understand something that I was not the one who pursued this in the first place. So, it kind of hurt that much more when I was left alone standing in the middle of nowhere with no directions, whatsoever. I didn’t ask for this, but then again I did everything I should have done or I think I should have done.
I held nothing back, as far as I know. I think I told most of my secrets. I don’t think one would do that unless someone trusts the other person to a certain degree if not hundred percent. I have always felt the other person was being a little reserved, but that is expected. But as for me, I was trying to keep things entertaining, given that I am the most boring person to ever live on the face of the earth. I have even told the most embarrassing things. I think what threw me in a frenzy is the no explanation thing. I thought we were on a good place where we could tell tach other to fuck off, without the aggressiveness of course. But maybe I had misinterpreted things, thought that we were on the same page, when I was on a totally different book. I had hoped that the least or the last thing that could be told to me was that this won’t work out because of so and so reason, or a note, a message in a bottle, anything. Scratch that. At the least, a last good bye would have been better than ghosting.
